


Ranpo Goes Global: A Kanye West Story

by MindElectric



Series: Breakdowns [2]
Category: Jeffree Star (Musician), Kanye West (Musician), 文豪ストレイドッグス | Bungou Stray Dogs
Genre: Cheating, Crack, Crack Taken Seriously, M/M, Regrets, disclaimer: the claims made in this fic are not in fact true, help me, please dont sue me, they are not indicative of real life, waiting for my colleges to answer whether or not i got in got me crazy, we are sleep deprived
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-08
Updated: 2021-01-08
Packaged: 2021-03-18 15:56:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28620675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MindElectric/pseuds/MindElectric
Summary: Kim Kardashian was a powerful woman. She had long legs, a fake ass, faker tits, and an even faker cheekbones. She had enough chemicals and plastic in her to qualify as a Barbie doll. However, she was as pretty as one. Even before the alterations. Moving past these surface level traits would reveal a loyal woman who loved intimacy and expected the same from her partners. Then in comes Kanye who was acting a bit well, suspicious. He was coming home late with, pale, almost paper white, glittering, glimmering, concealer smudged on his collar.Due to this she decided to call upon the help of a Japanese Detective Agency she found through one of her close confidants, Fitzgerald. The Armed Detective Agency.
Relationships: Dazai Osamu/Nakahara Chuuya (Bungou Stray Dogs), Edogawa Ranpo/Edgar Allan Poe (Bungou Stray Dogs), Fukuzawa Yukichi/Mori Ougai (Bungou Stray Dogs), Kanye West/Jeffrey Star, Kim Kardashian/Kanye West, god/is dead
Series: Breakdowns [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1959985
Comments: 29
Kudos: 105





	Ranpo Goes Global: A Kanye West Story

**Author's Note:**

> Help us. Please. 
> 
> Twitters of the writers  
> @EastwardBound_  
> @altairdelirio

Kim Kardashian was a powerful woman. She had long legs, a fake ass, faker tits, and an even faker cheekbones. She had enough chemicals and plastic in her to qualify as a Barbie doll. However, she was as pretty as one. Even before the alterations. Moving past these surface level traits would reveal a loyal woman who loved intimacy and expected the same from her partners. Then in comes Kanye who was acting a bit well, suspicious. He was coming home late with, pale, almost paper white, glittering, glimmering, concealer smudged on his collar. 

Due to this she decided to call upon the help of a Japanese Detective Agency she found through one of her close confidants, Fitzgerald. The Armed Detective Agency. She peered around the building, it was quite quaint, she understood why the man wanted to buy it. Sauntering through the doors and up the stairs she eventually made it to the office. For the sake of writing she speaks fluent Japanese. 

“Hello everyone I reserved, like a meeting here.” She announced as she walked in. The whole agency stared at her and then Naomi hopped up. 

“OMG IT’S KIM KARDASHIAN!” And ran towards her, Dazai got up to ask her for a ride on ye old double sewer slide, but was lovingly choked out by his partner, Kunikida while Atsushi reminded him that he was a married man. 

After the fuss died down she was carted into an office with one Detective Ranpo Edogawa. (and one very scared edgar allen poe). 

“Your husband is faker than your tits-”

A slam could be heard as Poe slammed his head into the table like it was a knee jerk reaction to the crude cruel callous words. “Ranpo-kun please!”

“It’s the truth!”

“We talked about this!”

The couple bickered for a small while until Karl moved closer to Kim, wanting to get a closer look at her voluptuous form. You see Karl was in fact a true pimp, therefore he had an eye for beautiful women. The marsupial sauntered over to her with the swagger of a true player. 

Kim stared at the racoon. “Oh my god, your panda is so cute!” She squealed. 

Karl, ever the most intelligent slightly dubious business expert, knew that someone who didn’t know what he was was not worth his money so he returned to his original bitch. Chittering in indignation as he climbed onto the shoulders of his bitch.

“Anyway you absolutely pudgie cheeked baby.” Kim cooed at Ranpo, thinking that the duo were like the Japanese equivalent of the Scooby Doo gang. Meaning she believed they were actual children who are really good at solving mysteries and are just very very very (almost homoerrotically) close friends. “I’ll pay to fly you out to my mansion and you can investigate there.”

Poe looked skeptical and reluctant, but before he could object or bring up his concerns with his hubby Kim went. “And I know growing boys like you need snacks, so there will be unlimited food.” 

Ranpo jumped up and grabbed Poe by the arm, “We are going now!” he announced before dragging the poor poor man (but not poor as in lack of money) and his 4 legged pimp out of the agency. Only for them, including Kim who had been following them, lost. However. Dr.Phil was on vacation in Japan to see his long lost lovers, Mori and Fukuzawa. The bald yet hairy handsome man picked them up, cradling them in his god like embrace and whisked them away towards the airport. 

Standing in the airport was the rest of ADA, all who had no idea how they were there in the first place. It was very concerning to most of them. Not Fukuzawa, as he was lost in Dr.Phil’s soulless eyes. They ran towards each other, embracing in a glow of lights and kittens. Kunikida and Yosano then yeeted Dazai at them, thinking it was an ability of some sort. Only to reveal that it was. It was Tanizaki. You see, Tanizaki wanted to cause chaos so for the past several months he had turned himself into the higher power’s ultimate life form to see if he could hook up Mori and Fukuzawa, and it worked. 

Moved to tears by this grand gesture of romance everyone dispersed. 

Finally they were on the plane and soon they were in America. Where upon landing Fitzgerald asked for Poe to donate to him running for office against D*nald J. Trump. 

Poe accepted. As he believed that Fitzgerald was a slightly more tolberable and less openly homophobic president.

Soon they made it to the mansion where they were immediately given a grand tour. Kim showed off everything, including the closet where she kept the game devs for her app hostage (and unknowingly, was where her husband spent most of his time as well). Little did she know, one of the game devs wasn’t a game dev at all! It was Jeffree Star! (dun dun duuuun) He had disguised himself. Kim led them around the room.

“Yeah, I don’t know why there is so much lotion and oil in here. But, soft skin is a good trait to have.” 

Ranpo sniffed, settling the black rimmed glasses on his nose. He turned, looking directly at the disguised game dev before he looked away, eyes roaming around the room as he walked. He picked up a half empty lotion.

Jefferson Star felt a cold breeze cover him (like kanye did last night ;}) He shivered and went back to scrolling through Twitter. Wanting to see all the piping hawt tea about himself. Only to see that it was negative. So, he decided to deny its existence. If he closed his eyes they weren’t there. Like speed bumps pedestrians in the road during rush hour. 

Ranpo popped open the bottle and let it drop with a moist schlap onto the floor, lotion spluttering out in dried, chunky strips as this lotion was old. Ranpo turned to Kim after dropping another cup on the floor, like a cat. “Ms. Kim. This closet is more than the prison for your game devs, it is also a dungeon. A sex dungeon.” (dun dun duuuun)

Kim gasped, dropping her Gucci bag onto the floor and into the chunks of lotion. Staining the expensive material in that thick white goop. It got everywhere. Into every pore and crevice possible. Filling it up. Please help me. *this is Not a cry for help hahaha*

Ranpo dramatically turned and pointed. “It was you! Jeffrey Star! Who slept with Kanye West!”

Gasps filled the room, and Karl took Poe’s phone to film, he didn’t sign an NDA so he was going to sell this footage to the highest bidder for some coin. And you’d do it too for a check.

The game dev actually Jeffrey arose and his bones cracked as he began to shift. It turns out that Jeffery Star was MOTH MAN. The moth like creature let out an ungodly screech and charged at the people. They ran out the room. The Beauty Guru cryptid chasing after them. Only for them to run into Kanye West. 

"Suh mi tek har outta bugah red and put her in a tall skirt.” He said, causing the group to pause. 

“Talk to your lover!” Yelled Kim.

“Shit could get menacin', frightenin', find help.” He replied. 

“Help from who?” His soon to be ex wife replied. 

“A shooting out Phoenix on fire!” He replied and then Chuuya burst through the wall. It turns out that he had hired the Port Mafia to eliminate Jeffery Star. 

The ensuing battle was burning and beautiful. 

And in the end, when they all stood in the rubble of what they called home they wondered if it was all worth it. Yeah sure it was good for Kim to see she was right about being in a loveless marriage with a cheater but, it cost her her home. She had multiple but it still hurt to see the building destroyed and demolished. Kim was still painfully human and no amount of money could erase the mental stress of dealing with Kanye’s shit and everything else going on in her world. Finally she allowed her persona of being some unbreakable pillar of womanhood and power crack. And she cried. She had long legs, a fake ass, faker tits, and an even faker cheekbones. But she hoped she didn’t have fake love. 

Ranpo and Poe were fine though. They got food, entertainment, and a vacation to America with their own personal angry red headed body guard that had been bribed with use of (stolen) expensive wine.

**Author's Note:**

> Some writers were hurt in the making of this fanfiction.  
> Kanye only speaks in lyrics from his songs.  
> Yes, yes Karl is Poe's pimp. 
> 
> Comment and Kudo lmao


End file.
